Love notes

Hubby bought Yiu Yiu stacks of pastel coloured papers which she loved to bits. She’s been keeping herself busy with those papers – drawing and colouring cards or simply writing short notes for us. And I had the privilege of receiving some of her lovely notes:

"mummy I really really love you mummy. and I really miss you."

"mummy I love you. mummy eventhough I make you angry do you still love me. thank you for loveing me."

"I Rilly Rilly love you. I Rilly love love love love love love love love love you."

You are just nothing!

The girls were watching Barney in the car on the way home one day, and the show was on occupation, on what kids want to be when they grow up, when Yiu Yiu asked:
Yiu Yiu: Mummy, next time when you finished working, what do you want to be? (She meant to ask what my ambition was, but since she can’t say when I grow up, she just substituted it with when I am no longer working).
Mummy: I want to stay at home, and look after you and mei-mei.
Yiu Yiu: No, I mean, what do you want to be?
Mummy: Haiya, mummy already an adult, and I’m already doing what I do, so what else can I be?
Yiu Yiu: No! I mean…doctor ah, teacher ah, all these things. You are just nothing!
“You are just nothing!” How flattering!

The conversation continues…
Yiu Yiu: Mummy, can you be a ballet teacher?
Mummy: Ballet teacher? Why?
Yiu Yiu: Because I want to learn ballet, so you can teach me lor.
I should seriously look into scouting for a ballet class for her, since she’s asked for it several times now. And swimming...and Chinese and Maths Kumon/Enopi…the last being my own wish, not hers! :-)

Arts from Yiu Yiu

Well, the title of this post says it all…

Here are the card and craft from Yiu Yiu for Mother’s Day.


And this, she drew while I was away in Jakarta two weeks ago.


She wanted to surprise me with it, but the papa let the cat out of the bag with a casual mention in an sms. And when I asked her about her drawing while skypeing with her one night, she got so upset that she cried – coz she said it’s not a surprise anymore :-)

Missing out

…on Yiu Yiu's kindy outing to Hi-5 Bread Town
…on Yiu Yiu's kindy mid-term party
…on Yiu Yiu's Talent Time showcase in her music school

All because I have to travel for work :-(

Also, Yan Yan has been rejecting EBM since last week when she started feeling unwell. Babysitter had tried feeding her with spoon, syringe and cup but to no avail. Yesterday she only took about 4oz EBM in total, dropping to 2oz today. The last few days I tried to compensate by nursing her often through the night but when I'm away, she would not be getting her daily milk quota – and I'm worried sick coz I'll be travelling intermittently for almost half of June. Sigh!!!

Hello from Montreal

A quick hello from Hilton Montreal Bonaventure. I'm in Montreal to attend a conference, with several guests whom my company is hosting. We arrived on Sunday evening local time (that's Monday morning Malaysian time – Montreal is exactly 12 hours behind Malaysia) after travelling for 30 hours, inclusive of a 9-hour transit in Amsterdam. And I survived the first day of the conference without major jetlag :-)

I surprised myself by not crying buckets when I left. I had to send Yan Yan to the babysitter on the night I was scheduled to depart as hubby is worried that he couldn't handle both girls alone. Our babysitter was kind enough to agree to help out so Yan Yan will be spending her days and nights at babysitter's house till I return. I thought I would cry on the drive home but surprisingly, I didn't. As for Yiu Yiu, I had been preparing her for several days before I left – telling her that I'd need to away from home for a couple of days, that she'll stay home with papa while mei-mei stays with Aunty YL. She was fine with it, and even went around telling the babysitter's sister that I'd be "going to Canada to work." When we returned home after dropping Yan Yan off and I carried my luggage to the front door while waiting for the taxi, she asked me to carry her, saying, "Mummy, carry me for a while, because you will not be at home for so long." I cradled her in my arms and that's when she started sobbing. She was crying all the way until the taxi arrived when I passed her to my sister. When I was about to get into the taxi, she cried out louder and wanted a hug. And again, I was surprised that I didn't shed any tears, unlike the emotional parting during my trip to Hong Kong earlier this year. I don't know, maybe it's because my mind is too preoccupied with so many things, in particular planning and preparing everything that I need to bring home expressed breastmilk for Yan Yan.

Before I left, I added another 83oz to the stash of 260oz of frozen breastmilk, and about 45oz of chilled breastmilk for Yan Yan. At the rate she's consuming the milk, there should be more than enough to last her for the entire duration of my trip. I continued expressing while flying and due to the restrictions on liquid onboard aircrafts, I discarded 43oz of milk on the way to Montreal. I am planning to freeze all those expressed while in Montreal, and cart them home in frozen form. I've got my dry ice supply sorted out, and I'm really hoping that everything will fall into place and I'll succeed in carting them home. When I was breastfeeding Yiu Yiu, I've only carted home breastmilk from within Asia, so this will be my first time trying to bring home breastmilk from half-way round the world. I really hope everything will go smoothly, as I've spent countless hours thinking, calculating, strategizing, and communicating with hotels, airlines and airport authorities.

In the meantime, I'll have some scheduled posts coming up – on pregnancy and birth :-)

Mothering Mothers 2009

As a member of the MMB, I knew of this event since the last couple of years but haven’t got the chance to join the group on their visits to UMMC. I first got to know about this year’s projects from Allthingspurple and Chanel, but since Yiu Yiu was not well, I didn’t give much thoughts to it. Anyhow, on Friday night, I sms Ros, the main organiser this year and asked if I could join them at UMMC on Saturday. She immediately called me back and asked me to be there.

The volunteers were scheduled to meet at 9.30am to help sort out the gifts and when I reached, some of the mums who were there earlier were already busying themselves.

A group photo before we divided ourselves into two groups

We divided ourselves into two groups – the first visited primarily the paediatric wards, while our group visited primarily the maternity wards. As such, we met mothers who were generally in a happy mood, with their newborns by their sides. There was a mother with twin boys, and they looked so cute. We even managed to squeeze in a prep talk or two with these new mothers on the benefits of breastfeeding. We also dropped some gifts at the labour room as we were not allowed in, as well as the Special Care Nursery (SCN) where premature babies are being cared for. The nurses let us into the corridor of the SCN, where we managed to catch a glimpse of these tiny babies, all of whom were placed in the incubator. Quite a heart wrenching sight.

We only went to one paediatric ward (or were it two?) and the patients there were not in as bad a condition as those in the Paediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU) visited by the other group. The only patient that is still fresh in my mind is this skinny, jaundiced girl of perhaps 10-12 years old, who’s on the waiting list for a liver transplant. But she was still very cheerful, and was smiling away while we chatted with her dad (her mum was not around as her parents take turns to stay with her in the hospital).

We then met up with the other group to visit the geriatric and gynaecology wards. At the end of the day, there was still a number of surplus gifts, which we decided to distribute to the nurses who assisted us on that day. Few of the mums left after that, while some of us then stayed on and got to know one another better over a cup of tea at Delifrance.

All in all, it was a good experience - the grateful and happy looks on the mothers’ faces upon receiving the unexpected gifts were precious. And the opportunity to put a face to all the names I’ve so far only known virtually was great too.


Here are more write-ups on the event.
Allthingspurple
Montessori Mum
Suzette
Ros

It’s getting harder…

…to leave for business trips. I’ve been psyching Yiu Yiu last week that I’ll be away in Hong Kong for work, and that she’ll be staying home with papa. She seemed to take the news well but started acting up on Sunday night. She was reluctant to go to sleep and followed me up and down the house while I packed my luggage. She finally went to sleep at 12.30am after I was done packing and went to bed together with her.

When she woke up in the morning, I was fixing her bento and asked her to brush her teeth with papa’s help. She refused and insisted to wait for me – and I ended up having to carry her while brushing her teeth. When I asked her to step out from the bathroom as I wanted to take a quick shower, she started to cry. Papa tried to distract her by offering her some toys, which kept her occupied for a few minutes. She started crying again while knocking on the bathroom door. I quickly finished up and changed, before changing her into her uniform as well. She just clung on to me and I had to show her the waiting taxi outside from our bedroom window, and told her that mummy is late. She relented and I went downstairs first, while papa helped her keep her toys. She was sobbing when papa carried her downstairs, and kept calling out for mummy. She told hubby that she cried coz she’ll miss mummy. I gave her a hug, and she held me tightly while sobbing loudly. I also beh tahan already and started crying myself. I promised to call her every day and showered her with kisses, before finally getting into the taxi.

Hubby told me that she was still sobbing quietly in the car while on the way to school…SIGH!

Mummy is not home again!

I suspected something amiss when mummy brought out her big suitcase and started packing her clothes, toiletries, etc. And true enough, last Friday night, a tall and burly Uncle in white uniform pulled up at our gates at about 9.15pm in his black car, which I now know is the airport limo. Papa helped mummy bring her big suitcase out and placed it in the trunk of the car, while mummy carried me out. Mummy kept kissing me until papa took me in his arms. Initially I refused to let go of mummy but papa said mummy was going to work. Strange! How come mummy goes to work so late at night? Anyway, I obliging let go of mummy, which I normally would not, watched her getting into the car and watched the car moving away. I think I behaved very well, at least I didn't make mummy feel bad for going so far away. Papa said mummy is going to this city far far away, whereby a large part of the city is below sea level, with lots of canals to regulate the flow of water. Can you guess where mummy is by looking at this photo? I am now home alone with papa, and mummy will only be back in two weeks.

Being a SAHM, if I only could…

Kittycat has finally realised her dream for being a SAHM. She'll be relocating, following her hubby and therefore will be a SAHM mum to Lucas for at least three years. I feel so happy and excited for her. Why? Because being a SAHM, WAHM or PTWM has been on my mind for the past few months.

Since I started to be a little bit more active in blog hopping, I can't help but feel so inadequate being a mum. I read with envy how SAHMs and WAHMs like Montessori Mum and Mumsgather spend so much time nurturing their children with various mind stimulating activities. And how allthingspurple plan with military precision and toil in the kitchen ensuring her little ones have nutritious and healthy food everyday. Me? I am not even doing 10% of what these super moms are doing.

Work has been extremely crazy since the beginning of the year and most days, I don't get home till at least 9pm. Luckily for me though, Yiu Yiu is such an energizer bunny and she doesn't sleep till much later. At least I still get to spend a little time with her before she goes to bed. And after that, out comes my notebook again. That's the only time I get to update my blog (which is so infrequent) and catch up on blog reading. And sometimes, I work till the wee hours in the morning trying to complete numerous proposals.

Increasingly I find myself evaluating my options to see if I could afford to quit my current job and each time I do that, I just end up feeling depressed and disappointed as there doesn't seem to be a way out. We certainly can't get by just with hubby's income, not with a house, two cars and several insurance policies to be paid every month. I don't mind taking a pay cut and work part time, say 3 days a week but in my line of work, it's not possible, at least not in Malaysia. I know some colleagues in the US who have job sharing arrangements – two persons share the same job and each work only 2-3 days a week. That really sounds like the ideal arrangement for me. If only that option is available…

I know the best time to nurture and shape a child personality is during childhood, as the Malay saying goes, "Melentur buluh biarlah dari pucuk". Once they are older and have a mind of their own, it's more difficult to steer them onto the right path. And therein lies the dilemma. Given a few more years, we can probably pay off the house and cars and I could possibly opt to become a SAHM but by then, would it be too late?

Travelling and breastfeeding

I don't classify myself as a frequent traveler but all the same, I've traveled quite a bit throughout these 15 months of exclusively nursing Yiu Yiu. My first trip was to Bangkok for six days. Yiu Yiu was only slightly more than four months then. I learnt from MMB how some moms successfully bring home expressed breast milk (EBM) while traveling and I wanted to do the same. Having trawled through the information in MMB, there were still many practical questions unanswered and I'm grateful that Suzette, the expert "cart home breast milk from overseas mom", gave me lots of tips and encouragement. That first trip to Bangkok, I managed to cart home almost 150oz of EBM.

Since then, I've been to short few days trip to Seoul, Cebu, Singapore, Hong Kong, and various domestic destinations and I'm glad to say that I successfully brought home EBM each time. This contributed to me successfully breastfed Yiu Yiu exclusively for 15 months as these EBM replenished the depleted stocks in my freezer.

This is an account on how I expressed while traveling. Hopefully someone will find this useful and will help them to do the same.

Things I normally bring
• Breast pump and bottle
• Breast milk storage bags (I used cheap ice-cream tube bags instead of those expensive milk storage bags)
• Accessories for labeling (I used marker pen, scissors and sticker labels)
• Sterilizing tablets (I find this easiest to do. Sometimes if the hotel jug kettle is big enough, I'd sterilize by boiling inside the kettle)
• Containers to keep EBM upright in freezer/fridge (I used those transparent plastic bags that hawkers use for take aways. Keep about 6-8 tubes of EBM upright)
• Small cooler box & soft cooler bag (depending on the volume you expect to cart home. From experience, if you plan to bring home frozen EBM, it's best to keep in cooler box as those soft cooler bags are not as well insulated and frozen EBM can thaw)
• Hand carry traveling bag to put in both cooler box and bag (I normally do this to avoid having to carry too many bags)
• Techni Ice sheets (2 large sheets cut into 4 smaller pieces - 2 pieces each for the cooler box and cooler bag)
• Thick towels

What to bring home – frozen or chilled EBM?
My first trip to Bangkok, I brought back frozen EBM and those kept in the soft cooler bag had thawed by the time I reached home. I ended up throwing quite a bit away as Yiu Yiu couldn't consume all those thawed EBM within 2 days (yup...I kept for 2 days instead of the recommended 24 hours). That was a painful experience as each single drop of breast milk is to me, too precious to waste and here I was throwing loads away. Subsequently I brought home only chilled EBM if my trips were 5 days or less. This meant that by the time Yiu Yiu consumed the chilled EBM, it would be about 6-7 days old. The general recommendation is to keep chilled EBM only for 48-72 hours but I've kept chilled EBM for up to a week and Yiu Yiu was fine with them. It really depends on your comfort level. I'd normally just keep the EBM chilled in the hotel room minibar and would get the concierge to freeze the Techni Ice sheets for me. In my trip to Cebu, my Techni Ice sheets were not completely frozen so most of my chilled EBM turned bad after the 12-hour journey home. Another terrible experience, but another learnt so subsequently I made sure I spoke to someone who understood English well to ensure my request was completely understood.

Sterilizing the breast pump while traveling
Most times, I used sterilizing tablet and soak the pump & accessories in the small cooler box.

Transporting the EBM from foreign country back to home
Before checking out, I'd line the cooler box with Techni Ice sheets, followed by a thick cloth towel around the ice sheets, before putting in the chilled EBM. I then cover the EBM with another layer of thick towel and add more ice on top of the towel to fill in the space. The ice can be easily obtained from housekeeping/restaurant.

I carried the cooler box and soft cooler bag as hand luggage. This way, I could remove the ice water and add more ice to the box while flying. But with the additional security measures, some airlines may not allow EBM to be carried on board.


I would normally check in my entire luggage and carried only the traveling bag with EBM, and my laptop backpack on board. Most of my colleagues and customers whom I traveled with frequently knew what's inside my hand luggage. Now that I'm no longer expressing, can't say I missed lugging all those things on my trips!

My breastfeeding journey

When I was pregnant, I knew that I wanted to breastfeed my baby. I was aware of the goodness of breast milk and was determined to give the best to my baby. I knew it was not going to be easy but I didn't really read up a lot to prepare for it, which was just as well as I was blissfully ignorant of the possibility of blocked ducts, mastitis and other potential problems. I didn't even prepare any formula milk as I has simply assumed that my milk would just come and I'd be able to breastfeed successfully, just as nature intended.

The first couple of days were the most difficult. Yiu Yiu was struggling to latch on and kept crying in frustration when she couldn't. As we struggled to establish nursing and she didn't get much for the first two days, I started to worry if she'd be starved even though my gynae and paediatrician kept reassuring me that she'd be alright. On the third day, she developed jaundice and since she was lethargic, she nursed even less. I was told that she needed more fluid in her body to help flush out the bilirubin and as she wasn't nursing well, I finally succumbed and asked the nurse to spoon feed her some formula. The next morning, I was reprimanded by my gynae when he found out and told me that they would know if she needed supplemental feeding as her blood glucose level was monitored daily.

After that incidence, I resolved to keep her off formula as advised. My milk finally came on the third day and I was so thrilled when I could express 2oz from both breasts using the hospital pump. Not a lot, but enough for a tiny baby's intake. I could be discharged from the hospital already but as my breast pump was in Ipoh (I was going to have my confinement in my parents' home in Ipoh) and I couldn't express at home, I decided to stay put in the hospital. Paying RM195 a night for another three nights wasn't exactly what we had planned but I was determined to breast feed my baby successfully.

It has not been an easy journey, as any breastfeeding mother can relate:
• the endless hours of sucking in the early weeks, where she'd spent one hour sucking and the moment I tried to unlatch her after foolishly thinking she was asleep, she would be wide awake and screaming for more.
• the endless interrupted nights as I am not among the lucky few whose baby slept through the night after several weeks or months. At 17 months now, she still wakes up at night but at least I've mastered the skills of nursing lying down so when she wakes up, I'll just carry her from her cot to our bed and let her nurse while I continue to sleep. So much for training baby to sleep on her own!
• the endless hours spent expressing milk at home and at work, and feeling that I was compromising my work. I used to express three times daily – once in the morning before going to work, once at about 2pm and another time after work at about 7pm. Luckily Yiu Yiu is not that big an eater and my three pumping sessions produced enough to meet her needs, with some to spare for freezing to be used when I traveled. Since she started on solids at six months and her demand decreased, I gradually cut out the expressing session in office.
• worrying endlessly whenever my supply dropped and did not express enough for her next day's feed. During these times, I would busy myself cooking numerous soups that supposedly enhance breast milk production. Among those I've tried are green papaya soup with fish, white radish soup, cashew nut soup and fenugreek tea.
• the countless times she chomped on my nipples to soothe her itching, teething gums.
• the countless times I've become her pacifier. Sometimes she just wants to suckle for comfort and she'll be hanging onto my breasts just for the fun of it. I enjoy these bonding sessions with her and I'll tickle/sing/talk to her while she suckles but there are also times when I wished she wouldn't spend so much time at the breasts, leaving me with no time on my own. Wicked mom but hey, I'm only human after all.

Now that she's only nursing whenever I'm around and on formula at other times, I think she's suckling mainly for comfort as I don't think she gets much from the breasts. I know she probably should be weaned off soon but I'm not sure if she's ready. I definitely am not!

Mixed feelings about trip to US

I will be flying off to Orlando tomorrow for a meeting, followed by a visit to my company's headquarters in New Jersey. This will be my first trip to the USA and I should be very excited about it as I've always wanted to set foot in the land of plenty. And getting to Orlando on my first ever trip to the USA, with its many attractions such as Disneyworld and Universal Studio, is really something I should look forward to.

However, I just don't feel any excitement right now. Maybe because I have several major activities in March and there's loads to be done. I'm getting very anxious that I might not be able to meet a lot of deadlines to make those events a success.

I also feel very apprehensive as this will be the longest ever I'll be separated from Yiu Yiu. I will only return on March 10 so I'll be away for close to two weeks. Though I've traveled quite a bit on business since Yiu Yiu was born, those are mainly short 3 – 5 days trip. Even though hubby is quite adept at handling Yiu Yiu on his own and the babysitter, bless her, has also offered to take care of her day and night while I'm away, I am still not at peace.

I worry because she will have to take formula while I'm away as my stash of frozen expressed breast milk (EBM) is depleting and will not last her for the duration of my trip. I also worry because Yiu Yiu is getting increasingly difficult at mealtimes and during the Chinese New Year holidays, she never finished her normal portion of porridge or rice. But mainly, I worry about how I'll be able to handle being half-the-world away from her and whether she'll receive me with open arms when I come back. Seems like mummy is the one developing a severe bout of separation anxiety!

Babysitter

As a working woman, one the biggest concern I had when pregnant was finding a trusted day time caregiver for my baby as both hubby's and my parents live outside of Klang Valley. I started the hunt for a babysitter in the 4th month of pregnancy and a colleague gave me Yoke Ling's phone number. A friend of her own babysitter, I am grateful to her for introducing me to Yoke Ling as Yoke Ling has really turned out to be a gem of a babysitter.

A woman in her 40s, Yoke Ling has three children ranging from 15 – 21 years old. She is also caring for two brothers, ages four and six, both of whom were attending kindergarten this year. The elder boy will be in Standard One when the new school term starts.

Yoke Ling is such a nice lady and she has never complained nor demanded for compensation even though we sometimes pick Yiu Yiu up as late as 8pm. On a few occasions when both hubby and I had dinner meetings, she kindly agreed to take care of Yiu Yiu until we picked her up at about 10.30pm. Of course we do not exploit her kindness and at times, hubby, who's in sales, picks her up very early if he has no other appointments for the day. As I travel quite a bit for work, she has also kindly offered to take care of Yiu Yiu if I happen to be away during the weekends. However, as hubby is quite competent in handling Yiu Yiu alone, we've never needed her to do so. We reciprocate her kindness by giving her gifts during festive celebrations and I've never came back from an overseas trip without something for her family.

She is very supportive of me breastfeeding Yiu Yiu and was never shy to ask me on proper ways to handle breast milk. She's also very open to my suggestions on what food to give or avoid when Yiu Yiu started taking solids, my refusal to use the sarong, pacifier or walker, though I know she has different opinion on certain things. She uses cloth nappy on Yiu Yiu during the day and I'm more than happy with this arrangement as I can save quite a bit on disposable diapers.

But above all, I'm thankful that Yiu Yiu has the love of Yoke Ling's family – the whole family, including her husband, children and sister who stays nearby and visits often, and the two boys, simply adore her. I'm happy that Yiu Yiu is growing up in a harmonious family environment and she's getting lots of mental stimulation and attention. That to me is the most precious gift any working mother could ask for to put her mind at ease during the hours of separation from her baby.

How baby changed my life

I normally tune in to Mix FM while driving and the topic of discussion this morning certainly captured my interest. Richard and Shaz were discussing on how a baby changes one's lives. I thought this is a really interesting topic and decided to write about it here.

I am certainly more patient person now. Dealing with such a tiny creature who constantly needs your attention and care, patience just suddenly becomes second nature. I'm also more forgiving of people who behave badly on the wheels. I'm not sure if that's a direct consequence of being more patient, or I've simply mellowed down.

Spontaneity is out of the window too. Hubby and I arrange our schedules around Yiu Yiu's schedule. Going out on a weekend is much more than just getting ready and get out the door. We will make sure she's had her porridge, bathe and dress her, etc before getting ready ourselves. Just when we are all set to step out the door, Yiu Yiu decides to nap and we'll just have to wait till she wakes up coz I'm one who do not like to disturb a baby's sleep. Also, no more spontaneous trips back to hometown whenever we feel like it coz now everything needs to be planned with precision.

I've also become good at doing everything single handedly, literally speaking. I'll eat my noodles with chopsticks, tap on the keyboard, get her bath ready, choose clothes from a pile that is on sales, etc while holding her in one hand. Talk about multitasking!

And above all, it is how Yiu Yiu changed my perspective and priority in life. Work is not longer at the very top of my priority list and I'm no longer concerned about achieving, or trying to achieve, perfection in everything I do. As Stephen Covey would approve, I know what my big rocks in life are and I don't sweat the small pebbles anymore. And to me, that's the most important change in my life.